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00:00:23,950 --> 00:00:31,439
Good evening. It's wonderful to be with
you once again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed

2
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:34,719
it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we shall be investigating

3
00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:39,479
of slow service in the post office and
finding out why the Queen now has to

4
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:41,220
telegrams to people who are only 97.

5
00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:50,179
And we'll be talking to a car designer
who's crossed Toyota with Quasimodo and

6
00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:52,120
come up with a hatchback of Notre Dame.

7
00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:55,000
But first, the news.

8
00:00:55,001 --> 00:00:58,889
At a press conference today, excited
movie executives announced that Julie

9
00:00:58,890 --> 00:01:01,290
Andrews will appear topless in her next
movie.

10
00:01:01,510 --> 00:01:03,950
The film will be called Mary Poppouts.

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00:01:08,050 --> 00:01:14,149
It's been a bad week for Brandon
Truscott, the steeple -ass man who

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00:01:14,150 --> 00:01:16,560
the difference between fixative and
laxative.

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00:01:17,930 --> 00:01:20,940
His teeth have been stuck on the
lavatory since last summer.

14
00:01:21,411 --> 00:01:28,899
News tonight that Mr. Norman Sting and
Stivas has at last been able to arrange

15
00:01:28,900 --> 00:01:30,160
an audience with the Pope.

16
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:33,250
Up until now, Norman hasn't been able to
spare the time.

17
00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:42,099
Rough House Row, Tower Hamlets, which is
London's toughest street, held a party

18
00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:45,300
today for its oldest inhabitant. He'll
be 23 on Monday.

19
00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:51,589
Sport. At the White City tonight, a
Russian athlete who cleared 18 feet in

20
00:01:51,590 --> 00:01:55,569
long jump was beaten into second place
during the interval by a Max Bygraves

21
00:01:55,570 --> 00:01:57,610
record which cleared the entire stadium.

22
00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:07,870
The funeral of dustman Arnold Purge took
place today at Warburton Cemetery.

23
00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:11,839
Later, his ashes were scattered all the
way down somebody's front path.

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00:02:12,630 --> 00:02:16,629
But now a sketch in which Mr. Ronnie
Corbett will be showing us... how he

25
00:02:16,630 --> 00:02:19,340
cotton wool buds for all his important
little places.

26
00:02:22,650 --> 00:02:24,510
He'll be cleaning out his Wendy house.

27
00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:52,859
about the musical?

28
00:02:52,860 --> 00:02:53,910
Hmm.

29
00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:55,340
I've come for a thing.

30
00:02:57,820 --> 00:02:58,870
Thing?

31
00:02:59,020 --> 00:03:00,070
What sort of thing?

32
00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:05,020
I'm going to, you know, a thing to the
director hoping you'll like me.

33
00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:10,139
Well, it's a woman, isn't it? Oh, is it?
Oh, well, I'll have to, uh, a thing to

34
00:03:10,140 --> 00:03:11,190
her then. Yes.

35
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:13,800
Ah, I hope I get the job.

36
00:03:14,380 --> 00:03:16,100
I need the money because I'm thick.

37
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:23,959
Well, jobs aren't easy these days, are
they? No. I don't get many because of my

38
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,010
thighs.

39
00:03:27,580 --> 00:03:29,020
What's the matter with them?

40
00:03:29,340 --> 00:03:32,620
I'm too fat. My thighs affects the way I
thing.

41
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:36,730
Well, you what?

42
00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:38,130
Well, I thing.

43
00:03:38,340 --> 00:03:39,390
Thing -a -thon.

44
00:03:41,860 --> 00:03:42,910
You're a size.

45
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,050
You're a thing -a.

46
00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:46,660
I said I'm a thing -a.

47
00:03:50,540 --> 00:03:52,160
I think you're absolutely white.

48
00:03:52,740 --> 00:03:54,020
Well, I'm nervy, see.

49
00:03:54,380 --> 00:03:55,430
No,

50
00:03:55,660 --> 00:03:57,520
no, I think you're white. You're white.

51
00:03:58,520 --> 00:03:59,620
You are white.

52
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:03,880
I agree with you about the size. It's
the same with me being small.

53
00:04:04,260 --> 00:04:06,500
I never get to play anything wagged.

54
00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:12,980
I'm always a went man or a water.

55
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,980
Excuse me, you can't sound your R's, can
you?

56
00:04:18,001 --> 00:04:22,028
You can't sound your wresses, can you?
No.

57
00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:23,290
Well, some I can.

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00:04:23,990 --> 00:04:25,170
When I'm not sinking.

59
00:04:26,050 --> 00:04:27,650
Ah, there, I found you one then.

60
00:04:29,510 --> 00:04:34,849
You ought to try practising. You ought
to try... You ought to say something

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00:04:34,850 --> 00:04:41,729
like, how many shirts can Sister Susie
sew if Sister Susie's slow at

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00:04:41,730 --> 00:04:42,780
sewing shirts?

63
00:04:43,510 --> 00:04:44,950
It's a famous wisdom.

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00:04:46,350 --> 00:04:48,330
I don't go for riddles myself.

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00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:50,210
I think they're soft.

66
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:52,900
No, I don't go for whittles either.

67
00:04:54,560 --> 00:05:00,280
If I do whittles, it's whiskey.

68
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:08,720
I don't drink myself.

69
00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:11,750
No, whiskey.

70
00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,720
Whiskey. You know, too much of a whisk.

71
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,800
What are you going to sing?

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00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:24,380
Oh, Red Sails in the Sunset.

73
00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:29,550
Red what?

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00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,640
Red Sails in the Sunset, you know.

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00:05:32,140 --> 00:05:33,190
Way over the sea.

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00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:36,090
Oh, please send my sailor home safely to
me.

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00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,060
You think that's a silly song to sing?

78
00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:41,900
Oh, no, I think that would be a wow.

79
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,640
What do you mean, a wow?

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00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:46,130
A wow.

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00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:48,800
A wow, an absolute wow, a hit.

82
00:05:49,740 --> 00:05:52,000
Know that song? It was in a musical I
was in.

83
00:05:52,580 --> 00:05:54,700
I had a long one in the West End with
that.

84
00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:59,260
You was in the West End?

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00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:00,850
What's your name?

86
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,050
Cecil.

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00:06:02,051 --> 00:06:03,499
What's yours?

88
00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:04,550
Randolph.

89
00:06:05,780 --> 00:06:07,980
Do you mind? Do you mind if I call you
Wendy?

90
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,100
Do you mind if I call you Claude?

91
00:06:18,250 --> 00:06:19,930
I'll taste that without spitting.

92
00:06:23,390 --> 00:06:24,440
Morning.

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00:06:25,150 --> 00:06:26,470
Morning. Morning.

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00:06:29,170 --> 00:06:30,220
Nice morning.

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00:06:33,530 --> 00:06:34,930
You come to sing?

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00:06:35,670 --> 00:06:36,720
Yes.

97
00:06:37,170 --> 00:06:38,770
It rang me this morning.

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00:06:41,190 --> 00:06:44,470
Excuse me, you can't sound your heart,
can you? No.

99
00:06:44,770 --> 00:06:45,820
Oh, you're racist.

100
00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:47,080
No.

101
00:06:48,460 --> 00:06:50,600
Or my wheeze. Or my wobble -wooze.

102
00:06:52,220 --> 00:06:56,540
Oh, what a shame. What a shame. Good
morning, gentlemen. Oh, good morning.

103
00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:57,650
Morning. Morning.

104
00:06:57,760 --> 00:06:59,020
Oh, wonderful.

105
00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:02,190
You... Yes, you're just right. Would you
wait in my office?

106
00:07:02,191 --> 00:07:04,239
Thank you for coming, gentlemen.

107
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:05,320
Perhaps another time.

108
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:10,739
But he can't say his S's. Or his R's. Or
his L's. Or his wheeze or his wobble

109
00:07:10,740 --> 00:07:11,790
-wooze.

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00:07:11,820 --> 00:07:13,930
Doesn't matter. It's a non -speaking
part.

111
00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:35,250
asked by the government to talk about
energy and how to hold on to it.

112
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:38,090
Well, I'll talk about how to hold on to
it next week.

113
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:43,980
But what about energy? Well, first of
all, how can we save energy by

114
00:07:44,540 --> 00:07:45,920
Now, here is a rough pointer.

115
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,420
It is rough, isn't it?

116
00:07:48,180 --> 00:07:52,839
Yeah, because it's insulated. Now, tell
me, what is wrong with the insulation of

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00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:53,890
this house here?

118
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:57,090
Well, for a start, it's got a bloody
great hole in the wall.

119
00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:03,880
My house, properly insulated, there is a
model of it.

120
00:08:04,130 --> 00:08:05,180
Have you seen it?

121
00:08:07,410 --> 00:08:10,950
I'm going to live in that in comfort,
just as soon as I can find the door.

122
00:08:11,930 --> 00:08:14,450
But I'm not here to air my personal
grievances.

123
00:08:14,670 --> 00:08:17,200
No, they're all very nicely wrapped up,
thank you.

124
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:21,949
But insulation does make sense. You can
cut down your overall heat loss by

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00:08:21,950 --> 00:08:23,510
double -glazing your overalls.

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00:08:24,590 --> 00:08:27,430
And, of course, you must always lag your
pipes.

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00:08:27,910 --> 00:08:28,960
There you are.

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00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:34,918
Here's a neat idea from the London Zoo.
Here we are. That's a feather boa

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00:08:34,919 --> 00:08:35,969
constrictor.

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00:08:36,340 --> 00:08:41,159
You see? It's lovely. So always wrap up
well and always constrict your boas.

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00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:46,919
Trained by Rod Hull. Don't worry about
it. So to sum up, get with the trend and

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00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:47,970
don't lag behind.

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00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:49,240
And here is a lag behind.

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00:08:49,241 --> 00:08:55,519
We've also come up with a little thing
that you can insert in your wall cavity.

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00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,120
We calculate it can save you £34 a year.

136
00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:02,219
How does it work? Well, simply drill a
hole, insert the apparatus, and you can

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00:09:02,220 --> 00:09:04,930
watch your neighbour's television
through the wall.

138
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:11,019
Now, where is our energy going to come
from? Well, I'm wearing a sun -powered

139
00:09:11,020 --> 00:09:11,879
hearing aid.

140
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:15,440
Ah, but what happens when the sun goes
in? I don't hear you ask.

141
00:09:19,540 --> 00:09:23,520
Now, what can we get from atomic piles?
apart from agony in the morning.

142
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:31,239
Well, the Japanese have come up with
this new miniaturised atomic reactor and

143
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:33,740
fish fryer. Over here, there you are,
you see?

144
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:35,330
Look at that.

145
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:36,600
Nuclear fish and chips.

146
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:40,140
What's more, you can use it as a trouser
press.

147
00:09:40,141 --> 00:09:43,899
Unfortunately, this morning, I got the
reactor mixed up with the trouser press,

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00:09:43,900 --> 00:09:46,560
so I pressed my atom and split my
trousers.

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00:09:47,540 --> 00:09:49,220
Luckily, I had a lag behind.

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00:09:49,670 --> 00:09:54,129
You see, it all makes sense. Now, what
about transport? Well, here is the

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00:09:54,130 --> 00:09:56,650
revolutionary new log -burning
Lamborghini.

152
00:09:59,730 --> 00:10:04,189
On a test run this morning, burning old
ship's timbers, it did 83 miles to the

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00:10:04,190 --> 00:10:05,240
galleon.

154
00:10:07,930 --> 00:10:12,269
And look at this, executive unicycle.
The makers claim it runs for three hours

155
00:10:12,270 --> 00:10:13,320
on a xenopod.

156
00:10:16,150 --> 00:10:17,470
But then, who doesn't?

157
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:21,410
on pure alcohol.

158
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:22,920
Four gins will get it to Paris.

159
00:10:23,140 --> 00:10:25,310
Only one more than my secretary, Miss
Zuma.

160
00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:28,610
But I must say, she did run out of
fierce Indiana.

161
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:33,159
And what about railways? Now, did you
know that if all British rail tracks

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00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,020
laid end -to -end, it would help a lot?

163
00:10:35,121 --> 00:10:41,289
boffins have come up with a winner. They
have discovered that the energy

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00:10:41,290 --> 00:10:44,689
generated in one night by a young
honeymoon couple is enough to drive a

165
00:10:44,690 --> 00:10:49,010
rail train from St Pancras to Kettering,
with a 20 -minute rest at Luton.

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00:10:50,510 --> 00:10:55,049
And for the over -50s, there's the
Festiniog narrow -gauge railway,

167
00:10:55,050 --> 00:10:56,100
on the downhill run.

168
00:10:56,530 --> 00:10:58,760
Well, there you have it, on the downhill
run.

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00:10:58,970 --> 00:11:03,450
From now on, all honeymoons will be
spent in transports of delight. So,

170
00:11:03,510 --> 00:11:07,420
if I've got the time and you've got the
inclination, we'll all have the energy.

171
00:11:07,590 --> 00:11:08,640
Good night.

172
00:11:21,770 --> 00:11:24,770
Didn't old Charlie go down to doctors
with his ears?

173
00:11:25,410 --> 00:11:26,460
That's right, yeah.

174
00:11:27,810 --> 00:11:28,860
Daph, wasn't he?

175
00:11:29,270 --> 00:11:30,850
Eh? Daph.

176
00:11:31,470 --> 00:11:32,520
Yeah.

177
00:11:34,130 --> 00:11:36,250
Did the doctor improve his hearing then?

178
00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:37,780
Must have done.

179
00:11:38,210 --> 00:11:40,550
He just heard from his brother in
America.

180
00:11:46,990 --> 00:11:50,420
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our
first guest, Bobby Bates.

181
00:12:10,350 --> 00:12:13,970
Made up for the wasted time.

182
00:12:14,390 --> 00:12:17,650
I showed you everything a girl could do.

183
00:12:17,910 --> 00:12:21,450
Now my heart aches for heaven's sake.

184
00:12:22,130 --> 00:12:24,270
Sorrows come alive.

185
00:12:27,510 --> 00:12:30,870
No use in telling me that love is blind.

186
00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:34,450
That nuns are blind. That will not be.

187
00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:40,500
Thought I could kill you

188
00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:48,870
Cup, please.

189
00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:50,890
Cup or mug?

190
00:14:51,820 --> 00:14:52,870
Mug, please.

191
00:14:53,340 --> 00:14:54,520
Pint or half pint?

192
00:14:54,740 --> 00:14:55,790
Half pint, please.

193
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:58,650
Tea or coffee?

194
00:14:58,760 --> 00:14:59,810
Tea, please.

195
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:01,810
China or Indian?

196
00:15:03,580 --> 00:15:04,630
Indian, please.

197
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:06,690
Black or white?

198
00:15:07,780 --> 00:15:08,830
White, please.

199
00:15:09,620 --> 00:15:10,670
Milk or cream?

200
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:12,770
Milk, please.

201
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:15,370
Goats or cows?

202
00:15:21,870 --> 00:15:22,920
Friesian or Jersey?

203
00:15:24,730 --> 00:15:25,780
Jersey.

204
00:15:28,250 --> 00:15:29,470
Devon or Hereford?

205
00:15:30,910 --> 00:15:33,650
Devon. Oakhampton or Tavistock?

206
00:15:35,610 --> 00:15:39,430
Tavistock. Corn waste farm or hill barn
farm?

207
00:15:40,170 --> 00:15:41,510
Hill barn farm.

208
00:15:43,370 --> 00:15:44,870
Daisy or buttercup?

209
00:15:47,970 --> 00:15:54,519
You know what? The cow's name... days
your buttercup days your buttercup

210
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:58,180
stuff it take an onion or chestnut

211
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,320
The year is 2012.

212
00:16:28,820 --> 00:16:33,739
England, traditionally a land of heroes
and great statesmen, is in the grip of a

213
00:16:33,740 --> 00:16:34,619
new regime.

214
00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:37,320
The country is being run by women.

215
00:16:37,900 --> 00:16:42,539
They are the breadwinners, the rulers,
and their state police strike terror

216
00:16:42,540 --> 00:16:44,220
the hearts of the subjugated male.

217
00:16:44,620 --> 00:16:47,210
In short, the roles have been completely
reversed.

218
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,500
It is the man, not the woman, who now
wears the frock.

219
00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:52,260
Even their names are feminine.

220
00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:55,800
But one poor downtrodden worm is about
to turn.

221
00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:58,850
This man.

222
00:17:01,460 --> 00:17:02,510
Janet Carter.

223
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:07,890
Employed as a tea boy at police
headquarters, Janet has one friend he

224
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,010
Betty Chalmers.

225
00:17:09,579 --> 00:17:12,680
Our story starts one afternoon over a
cup of tea.

226
00:17:12,681 --> 00:17:16,459
I think the secret police have heard
about my collection of chauvinistic

227
00:17:16,460 --> 00:17:19,110
I'm sure the house is going to be
searched any moment.

228
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,540
We'll have to get rid of them.

229
00:17:20,619 --> 00:17:22,420
Can't you see? Not before Thursday.

230
00:17:22,421 --> 00:17:25,618
You know, I'm having the private show in
the auction rooms.

231
00:17:25,619 --> 00:17:28,039
It'll be the last, because it's just
getting too risky.

232
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:31,079
Did you know that you can get three
months' hard labour for showing a

233
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:32,130
Bogart?

234
00:17:32,131 --> 00:17:35,919
Next day in the hairdressers, Janet and
Betty are surprised by a raid from the

235
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:36,970
secret police.

236
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,360
A customer by the name of Ursula
Debenham.

237
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,600
Tall, balding, with a beard.

238
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,260
No, I don't think so.

239
00:17:44,620 --> 00:17:47,030
He's wanted for petty crimes against the
state.

240
00:17:47,940 --> 00:17:48,990
Stand up!

241
00:18:09,540 --> 00:18:10,590
Phyllis Willis.

242
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:15,119
Was that a joke? My father thought so.
Just because he had a silly name, he

243
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:16,099
me one.

244
00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:17,150
Your father?

245
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:18,370
Dillis Willis.

246
00:18:19,860 --> 00:18:20,910
Papers.

247
00:18:20,911 --> 00:18:23,719
Have you recently shaved a beard off
this man?

248
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:24,770
No, ma 'am.

249
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:31,490
Carry on.

250
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:37,570
Then if you see or hear of this man,
it's your duty to report him.

251
00:18:39,380 --> 00:18:40,680
What was his crime?

252
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,260
Playing illicit rugby and pipe smoking.

253
00:18:51,900 --> 00:18:52,950
Hello,

254
00:18:53,091 --> 00:18:55,179
Shirley, old boy.

255
00:18:55,180 --> 00:18:58,820
How are you? It's me. I'm just ringing
up to say Sewing Circle evening

256
00:18:58,821 --> 00:19:00,039
All right?

257
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:01,090
You know what I mean?

258
00:19:01,620 --> 00:19:04,140
Yes, it is. Good drying weather, though.

259
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,210
Mine was on the line ten o 'clock this
morning.

260
00:19:07,820 --> 00:19:08,870
Oh, have you?

261
00:19:09,679 --> 00:19:12,400
No, I haven't got a rich wife to buy me
a dryer.

262
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:17,200
No, I didn't mean it. Yes, all right,
then. See you Thursday. Yes, bye.

263
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:26,640
Yes, yes, Thursday.

264
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:28,880
Yes, usual place, auctioneers.

265
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,130
Yes, fine, fine.

266
00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:31,510
How's George?

267
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:32,730
Is she?

268
00:19:33,300 --> 00:19:34,350
Amazing woman.

269
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,850
She's still playing left half for
Brentford.

270
00:19:36,851 --> 00:19:39,479
Give him a big kiss on the gold mouth of
me, will you?

271
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:40,530
Bye.

272
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:11,690
Evening, chaps.

273
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,820
Evening. Just a word before we start.

274
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:20,080
I'm afraid this is going to be the last
film shown for a while.

275
00:20:20,860 --> 00:20:25,579
I know it is a show. I know, I know, but
I can't help it. I'm afraid I've got to

276
00:20:25,580 --> 00:20:26,199
go undercover.

277
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:30,619
There's been a little dicky bird has
told me there's been a bit of a leak and

278
00:20:30,620 --> 00:20:31,670
might get raided.

279
00:20:31,671 --> 00:20:36,039
So here we are. However, tonight, to
make the most of it, I should really try

280
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,859
stay here and sit back and enjoy myself
because tonight we're going to have...

281
00:20:38,860 --> 00:20:39,910
and John Wayneville.

282
00:22:01,930 --> 00:22:02,990
Thank you.

283
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:32,760
Here, you're a woman.

284
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,100
Get down.

285
00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:45,379
Who are

286
00:22:45,380 --> 00:22:46,460
you? State police.

287
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:48,860
Are you taking me in?

288
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,300
Yes. To the castle?

289
00:22:52,060 --> 00:22:53,110
Yes.

290
00:22:53,620 --> 00:22:56,810
It's a rather long journey. Do you think
I might go to the toilet?

291
00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:58,130
All right.

292
00:22:59,060 --> 00:23:00,600
Can I take my hands down?

293
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:02,410
If you must.

294
00:23:02,500 --> 00:23:03,550
Most essential.

295
00:23:03,580 --> 00:23:04,900
Very difficult otherwise.

296
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:13,260
Look, would you please turn around and
face the other way?

297
00:23:13,660 --> 00:23:14,710
No.

298
00:23:15,180 --> 00:23:16,230
Oh.

299
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:18,300
In that case, I will.

300
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:51,650
Then move.

301
00:23:57,371 --> 00:23:58,959
You

302
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:12,579
shot

303
00:24:12,580 --> 00:24:13,630
me in the behind.

304
00:24:58,190 --> 00:25:00,010
I think she would faint.

305
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:32,270
Did you say fainted, old chap? She's
dead.

306
00:25:32,540 --> 00:25:34,520
Dead? She was only shot in the backside.

307
00:25:34,521 --> 00:25:37,879
You can't die of a shot in the backside.
She didn't die of a shot in the

308
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:40,050
backside. She died of a head down the
toilet.

309
00:25:40,171 --> 00:25:42,259
Oh, yes.

310
00:25:42,260 --> 00:25:44,240
But after both of us, Betty, old chap.

311
00:25:44,460 --> 00:25:46,200
They certainly are, Janet, old boy.

312
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:49,100
The thing is, what are we going to do
with the body?

313
00:25:50,380 --> 00:25:51,460
What will happen now?

314
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:53,240
Are Janet and Betty doomed?

315
00:25:53,740 --> 00:25:55,800
Can the toilet keep its grisly secret?

316
00:25:56,020 --> 00:25:57,680
Or will the police flush it out?

317
00:25:59,150 --> 00:26:03,210
next week's enthralling episode of The
Worm That Turned.

318
00:26:19,150 --> 00:26:20,590
Evening. Morning.

319
00:26:21,750 --> 00:26:22,970
New face, eh?

320
00:26:23,170 --> 00:26:24,610
No, I've always had this face.

321
00:26:26,090 --> 00:26:29,410
Have you been around here long? No, I
just come in the door.

322
00:26:30,630 --> 00:26:31,680
What's the name?

323
00:26:31,970 --> 00:26:33,290
It's called the front door.

324
00:26:34,490 --> 00:26:35,540
No, I mean yours.

325
00:26:35,990 --> 00:26:37,290
Oh, my name's Michael.

326
00:26:37,550 --> 00:26:39,890
Oh, Michael, there's a coincidence.

327
00:26:40,210 --> 00:26:41,410
Why? Mine's James.

328
00:26:43,070 --> 00:26:47,130
The only James I know is tall and thin
with a ginger beard. Would that be you?

329
00:26:47,470 --> 00:26:48,730
Yes, that'd be right, yes.

330
00:26:49,150 --> 00:26:52,550
Apart from the glasses, that is. But
you're not wearing glasses?

331
00:26:52,850 --> 00:26:54,050
No, neither does he.

332
00:26:56,310 --> 00:26:57,450
Bottoms up, is it?

333
00:26:59,510 --> 00:27:03,230
Look at the same name as you came in
here earlier on this morning.

334
00:27:03,450 --> 00:27:04,530
Oh, what was his name?

335
00:27:04,710 --> 00:27:05,760
He never said.

336
00:27:06,810 --> 00:27:08,510
Then how did you know it was him?

337
00:27:08,970 --> 00:27:13,770
Well, I asked him, didn't I? What is
that there?

338
00:27:14,230 --> 00:27:15,280
That's a parrot.

339
00:27:16,790 --> 00:27:17,840
Whose is that?

340
00:27:17,950 --> 00:27:19,000
Lord knows.

341
00:27:19,150 --> 00:27:21,150
Well, who left it there? Lord knows.

342
00:27:21,730 --> 00:27:22,990
Well, it must be his then.

343
00:27:26,410 --> 00:27:27,890
Do you fancy a brown ale?

344
00:27:28,110 --> 00:27:29,160
What colour is it?

345
00:27:29,161 --> 00:27:33,809
Don't know. We don't stock it. Oh, I
won't have it then. I'll tell you what I

346
00:27:33,810 --> 00:27:35,630
will have. I will have a gin without.

347
00:27:36,850 --> 00:27:38,230
Without what would that be?

348
00:27:38,350 --> 00:27:39,730
Well, what haven't you got?

349
00:27:40,970 --> 00:27:42,570
Now, we haven't got lime.

350
00:27:42,950 --> 00:27:44,070
Oh, what about tonic?

351
00:27:44,350 --> 00:27:48,080
Oh, tonics we've got. We've got tonic.
Oh, dear. That's what I wanted without.

352
00:27:49,461 --> 00:27:55,749
Very frightening noise. That, you know,
we don't know what it is.

353
00:27:55,750 --> 00:27:57,070
What is it? I don't know.

354
00:28:00,690 --> 00:28:02,170
The parrot never budged.

355
00:28:02,550 --> 00:28:03,600
No, it's stuffed.

356
00:28:03,750 --> 00:28:06,370
Oh. Who stuffed it? Lord knows.

357
00:28:08,130 --> 00:28:11,140
Member of the local gentry, is he? Yes,
that would be it, yes.

358
00:28:11,250 --> 00:28:13,830
The plumber never came this morning. Oh,
dear.

359
00:28:13,831 --> 00:28:15,309
Did he come this afternoon?

360
00:28:15,310 --> 00:28:17,430
No. That's twice he's never been.

361
00:28:19,590 --> 00:28:21,230
I am a poacher, you know.

362
00:28:21,231 --> 00:28:23,039
I never asked you what you did.

363
00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:24,090
Well, ask me then.

364
00:28:24,140 --> 00:28:26,440
Are you a poacher? It's none of your
business.

365
00:28:28,120 --> 00:28:29,620
Rabbits, is it? No, no, clocks.

366
00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:31,010
Oh, clocks.

367
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:34,959
I tell you what, if you can guess how
many clocks I've got in this bag, you

368
00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:36,010
have them both.

369
00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:40,130
Three. Correct.

370
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:43,910
Now, look at this here clock there. See
that?

371
00:28:44,060 --> 00:28:45,840
Yes. That is unique.

372
00:28:46,700 --> 00:28:48,680
Have you got another one like it? Yes.

373
00:28:54,449 --> 00:28:55,499
Well, that one is.

374
00:28:58,490 --> 00:29:02,590
Yes, I must say, this one here is not
nearly as identical as that one.

375
00:29:03,590 --> 00:29:07,529
That is definitely the most identical of
the two, that one. Yes, right, yes,

376
00:29:07,530 --> 00:29:10,650
right. Do you want to buy one? How much?
Eh, 30 quid.

377
00:29:11,090 --> 00:29:12,140
I'll give you 35.

378
00:29:12,490 --> 00:29:13,540
Do me a favour.

379
00:29:15,350 --> 00:29:16,870
All right, I'll give you 20.

380
00:29:17,110 --> 00:29:18,160
Done.

381
00:29:19,130 --> 00:29:21,790
Have you got change of a four pound
note? Oh, yes.

382
00:29:23,731 --> 00:29:25,659
That's yours.

383
00:29:25,660 --> 00:29:26,710
Thank you very much.

384
00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:28,010
There we are.

385
00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:29,240
Have you got the time?

386
00:29:29,241 --> 00:29:30,659
Yeah, what time would you like?

387
00:29:30,660 --> 00:29:32,620
Um, 3 .30.

388
00:29:32,820 --> 00:29:34,620
No, you'd have to ask me a bit later on.

389
00:29:35,460 --> 00:29:36,840
When? About four o 'clock.

390
00:29:36,841 --> 00:29:41,059
You're too late. Oh, well, in that case,
I must be off now. Yes, are you coming

391
00:29:41,060 --> 00:29:44,119
back? Oh, yes, I shall come back. Where?
I'll come back here. Well, you're here

392
00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:47,790
now. That's true. Why don't I wait till
I get back to help myself with yours?

393
00:29:48,460 --> 00:29:52,360
The parrot doesn't say much. No, he's
still stuck. Oh, is he?

394
00:29:52,361 --> 00:29:54,929
Why was he stuffed in the first place?

395
00:29:54,930 --> 00:29:56,370
He's stuffed in every place.

396
00:30:00,370 --> 00:30:02,530
The wife's away for a few days, you
know.

397
00:30:02,890 --> 00:30:04,570
They give her a new wooden leg.

398
00:30:04,790 --> 00:30:06,050
In cork it was.

399
00:30:06,370 --> 00:30:07,930
Oh, well, at least she'll float.

400
00:30:12,890 --> 00:30:14,110
She's expecting a baby.

401
00:30:14,310 --> 00:30:17,210
Oh, when's that? Whenever I can get
round to it, you know.

402
00:30:20,650 --> 00:30:22,940
You expecting anyone else? No, just the
baby.

403
00:30:23,850 --> 00:30:27,750
No, I mean, are you expecting anyone
else in the pub here? Oh, Lord, no. Oh,

404
00:30:27,751 --> 00:30:29,789
when he gets here, give him a ring, will
you?

405
00:30:29,790 --> 00:30:33,750
Who? Me. Oh, yes. Give me a ring. Yes,
where will you be? I'll be here.

406
00:30:33,990 --> 00:30:37,360
Oh, yes. Well, what's your number? It'll
be the same number as yours.

407
00:30:37,361 --> 00:30:40,909
Well, we're not on the blower, are we?
Oh, well, in that case, I will reverse

408
00:30:40,910 --> 00:30:41,990
the charges. All right.

409
00:30:42,590 --> 00:30:45,590
Make the post office look silly, if that
were needed.

410
00:30:45,861 --> 00:30:47,959
Who's he?

411
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:48,959
Lord knows.

412
00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:52,560
Oh, thank God you've turned up. Your
bloody parrot's still here.

413
00:31:06,440 --> 00:31:07,490
Yeah.

414
00:31:07,700 --> 00:31:10,460
You know we live in the same sort of
house?

415
00:31:11,060 --> 00:31:16,120
Yeah. Same road, same shape, same size
rooms.

416
00:31:17,710 --> 00:31:22,509
Well, you know when you papered your
front room, you told me you bought eight

417
00:31:22,510 --> 00:31:23,560
rolls of wallpaper.

418
00:31:24,350 --> 00:31:25,650
That's right, yeah.

419
00:31:26,130 --> 00:31:30,050
Well, I just papered our front room. Oh,
yeah?

420
00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:32,650
I bought eight rolls of wallpaper.

421
00:31:33,310 --> 00:31:36,770
When I finished, I had two over.

422
00:31:37,710 --> 00:31:38,760
That's funny.

423
00:31:40,430 --> 00:31:41,690
So did I.

424
00:31:47,091 --> 00:31:54,079
Thank you very much. Thank you very
much. Particularly over there on the

425
00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:55,130
Now,

426
00:31:56,080 --> 00:32:00,780
altogether or not at all. Now, what I...
Now, I know what you're thinking.

427
00:32:01,300 --> 00:32:05,420
You're thinking, what on earth is that
stupid thing doing there?

428
00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:08,800
And why is he wearing a false nose?

429
00:32:12,400 --> 00:32:17,499
No, it is... it is... it is pathetic,
isn't it? I mean, you know, a chameleon

430
00:32:17,500 --> 00:32:18,600
my calibre, you know.

431
00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:20,050
Small war.

432
00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:26,919
Having to resort to cheap visual
gimmicks. Actually, to be absolutely

433
00:32:26,920 --> 00:32:29,150
was the producer's idea. He put it on,
he said.

434
00:32:29,180 --> 00:32:31,350
You start the spot with a big laugh, he
said.

435
00:32:31,580 --> 00:32:37,059
I said, I'm sorry, I said, but our
studio audience are intelligent, witty,

436
00:32:37,060 --> 00:32:38,720
highly sophisticated people.

437
00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:41,810
Underneath.

438
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:45,980
And they are far too mature just to
laugh at a silly nose.

439
00:32:46,620 --> 00:32:47,670
So...

440
00:33:00,650 --> 00:33:03,360
Just for that, I shall tell you a joke.
Now, there we are.

441
00:33:03,510 --> 00:33:08,430
Now, this joke comes from our producer,
and if it doesn't seem all that funny,

442
00:33:08,431 --> 00:33:12,089
we must make alliances, because at the
time he told me he'd just been involved

443
00:33:12,090 --> 00:33:13,970
in a very, very nasty accident.

444
00:33:15,050 --> 00:33:16,490
He'd bought a round of drinks.

445
00:33:18,790 --> 00:33:23,749
I think it all stems from his rather
proper upbringing in Cheltenham, where

446
00:33:23,750 --> 00:33:26,280
worked for five years as a gentleman's
gentleman.

447
00:33:26,790 --> 00:33:27,990
A laboratory attendant.

448
00:33:27,991 --> 00:33:33,589
Until one day he got demoted and became
a producer with Light Entertainment.

449
00:33:33,590 --> 00:33:35,110
So, anyway.

450
00:33:36,670 --> 00:33:37,720
Anyway,

451
00:33:38,710 --> 00:33:45,689
he beckoned me over with his handbag.
And he winked at me with his good

452
00:33:45,690 --> 00:33:46,740
eye.

453
00:33:47,990 --> 00:33:50,190
He said, Ronald Sweetie Pie.

454
00:33:51,350 --> 00:33:52,990
I said, yes, sugar heart.

455
00:33:53,930 --> 00:33:56,940
I'm not sure what he's got, but I'm
convinced it's catching.

456
00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:01,679
I said, yes, sugar heart. He said,
Ronald Honeybunch, which old joke will

457
00:34:01,680 --> 00:34:03,279
finally laying to rest tonight?

458
00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:04,899
I said, well, I've thought it over.

459
00:34:04,900 --> 00:34:08,178
And I'm going to do the one about the
chap who goes to the psychiatrist

460
00:34:08,179 --> 00:34:11,738
he's been feeling a little bit strange.
And the psychiatrist shows him one of

461
00:34:11,739 --> 00:34:15,479
those inkblot tests, you know. And he
said, now, the psychiatrist said, now,

462
00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:18,359
what do you think of when you look at
this? And the chap examined it very

463
00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:19,680
carefully and he said, sex.

464
00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:22,970
And the psychiatrist showed him another
inkblot.

465
00:34:22,971 --> 00:34:26,119
We said, what do you think when you look
at this one? And the fellow replied

466
00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:27,170
again, he said, sex.

467
00:34:27,420 --> 00:34:33,459
Well, ten more inkblots are shown to
him, and every time he gives the same

468
00:34:33,460 --> 00:34:34,719
answer. Sex, he said.

469
00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:38,470
Finally, the psychiatrist... It's rather
exciting, actually.

470
00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:43,279
Finally, the psychiatrist slaps the book
shut and he said, my good man, it is my

471
00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:48,360
considered diagnosis that yours is an
acute case of chronic rumpomania.

472
00:34:48,620 --> 00:34:49,670
In short...

473
00:34:49,671 --> 00:34:54,759
In short, you are completely and totally
obsessed with sex. And the chap said,

474
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:58,190
I'm obsessed with sex. Who's been
showing me all the dirty pictures?

475
00:34:58,191 --> 00:35:03,759
The producer, unfortunately, fell asleep
before I finished, so I never found

476
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:07,739
out, to be honest, whether he liked it.
So instead, I am going to tell another

477
00:35:07,740 --> 00:35:11,739
much funnier joke, which I happened to
hear last week at the funeral of my old

478
00:35:11,740 --> 00:35:12,940
uncle Cyrus. Bless him.

479
00:35:13,530 --> 00:35:17,029
No, I mean, we ought not... I mean,
his... You didn't, but we ought not to

480
00:35:17,030 --> 00:35:18,080
anyway.

481
00:35:19,110 --> 00:35:20,160
No,

482
00:35:20,161 --> 00:35:23,869
we ought not to laugh. You didn't, but
we ought not to anyway.

483
00:35:23,870 --> 00:35:28,210
His death... His death... No. His death
came... No, no, please.

484
00:35:28,430 --> 00:35:33,349
His death... His death came as no great
surprise to us, to be honest, because he

485
00:35:33,350 --> 00:35:37,930
was 94 years old, you know, and he'd
just got married to a young girl of 18.

486
00:35:38,490 --> 00:35:40,750
And... Because...

487
00:35:40,751 --> 00:35:44,069
He said he wanted to carry on the family
strain and of course it was too much

488
00:35:44,070 --> 00:35:45,120
for him really.

489
00:35:46,430 --> 00:35:49,860
We were married on Saturday and we
buried him the following Tuesday.

490
00:35:49,861 --> 00:35:53,809
We would have buried him on the Sunday
but it took us two days to wipe the

491
00:35:53,810 --> 00:35:54,860
off his face.

492
00:35:54,861 --> 00:36:01,189
This story concerns a chap who was just
about to go home from the pub one night,

493
00:36:01,190 --> 00:36:04,709
not looking forward to it, wondering to
himself, how hard will the wife hit me

494
00:36:04,710 --> 00:36:07,809
in the head with the rolling pin, and
will I have to take my cap off again

495
00:36:07,810 --> 00:36:08,860
the bottle open?

496
00:36:09,070 --> 00:36:13,969
When a man from a nearby group of
revelers comes over to him and he

497
00:36:13,970 --> 00:36:17,449
rather unusual bet, he said, now look,
you're a sporting gent, you look a

498
00:36:17,450 --> 00:36:21,869
sporting gent, I'll bet you £100 that
you can't do three things, nominated by

499
00:36:21,870 --> 00:36:23,190
myself and my friends here.

500
00:36:23,370 --> 00:36:27,050
Well, at the words £100, the chap
immediately... He pricks up his ears. He

501
00:36:27,090 --> 00:36:30,010
what three things would these be prey,
he said.

502
00:36:30,330 --> 00:36:35,389
The other man said, I'll bet you you
can't drink ten pints of beer, wrestle a

503
00:36:35,390 --> 00:36:37,790
gorilla, and make love to an Eskimo.

504
00:36:39,050 --> 00:36:44,029
Well, this being the sort of challenge
you don't meet every day, the chap takes

505
00:36:44,030 --> 00:36:47,789
the bet on there and there and
immediately consumes ten pints of the

506
00:36:47,790 --> 00:36:48,840
barbeque.

507
00:36:49,250 --> 00:36:52,860
A crowd are all obviously impressed.
Shout, well done. They shout, bravo.

508
00:36:53,050 --> 00:36:54,100
Pick him up.

509
00:36:54,101 --> 00:36:59,279
Then off they go to the local zoo where
the chap gets in the cage with this

510
00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:02,319
grisly -looking gorilla. Before you know
what's happened, they're locked

511
00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:06,219
together, punches flying, fur all over
the place. Finally the chap comes out,

512
00:37:06,220 --> 00:37:09,479
looking battered and bruised, still
clearly in one piece, dusts himself down

513
00:37:09,480 --> 00:37:12,640
proudly, says, Right, now let's go and
wrestle the Eskimo.

514
00:37:32,460 --> 00:37:36,070
It's springtime on the Somerset Hills.
We're galloping over the course.

515
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:40,480
Hooray, hooray for meadows in May. Up on
a stride and we're well away.

516
00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:44,220
Give us a filly that won't say nay. I
hope I can stay in the course.

517
00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:46,080
A hunted we will go.

518
00:37:46,500 --> 00:37:48,240
A hunted we will go.

519
00:37:48,620 --> 00:37:52,400
Show us a place for a rollicking taste.
A hunted we will go.

520
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:56,660
I am the master of the hunt. And I'm his
pedigree child.

521
00:37:56,960 --> 00:37:59,220
We shoot, we fish, we paddle, we punt.

522
00:37:59,221 --> 00:38:03,099
And I'm the pride of the chumly hunt.
And he's wearing his jodhpurs back to

523
00:38:03,100 --> 00:38:05,080
front and his crotons are slightly numb.

524
00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:06,900
A -hunting we will go.

525
00:38:07,360 --> 00:38:09,180
A -hunting we will go.

526
00:38:09,660 --> 00:38:13,260
Second of port is my favourite sport. A
-hunting we will go.

527
00:38:17,650 --> 00:38:22,349
Come, landlord, bring me flagons of
wine. And I'll have a chamois as well. A

528
00:38:22,350 --> 00:38:26,250
single tot of his bubbling brew makes
hunters trot their jogging on to.

529
00:38:26,490 --> 00:38:30,569
But put away three and a skip to be new
and down to the ding -de -dell. To the

530
00:38:30,570 --> 00:38:32,070
hunting we will go.

531
00:38:32,370 --> 00:38:34,170
A -hunting we will go.

532
00:38:34,650 --> 00:38:38,310
We'll never say no to a big galley hole.
A -hunting we will go.

533
00:38:38,630 --> 00:38:42,450
I am the jovial landlord here. And I'm
his youngest daughter.

534
00:38:42,750 --> 00:38:46,330
My homemade beer. is light and clear.
Largely wind and water.

535
00:38:46,550 --> 00:38:50,130
Come here and buy the crowd my bar to
see the naughty Nancy.

536
00:38:50,530 --> 00:38:54,690
She'll give you pale and export ale on
anything you fancy.

537
00:38:56,870 --> 00:39:01,869
The steeple fund was short of cash until
the Duke suggested a hunt could raise

538
00:39:01,870 --> 00:39:04,270
the steeplechase. The bets could be
invested.

539
00:39:04,730 --> 00:39:09,869
Old Lady B lost fifty feet at ten to one
the vicar. She gave a cough and cried

540
00:39:09,870 --> 00:39:12,290
fair off and down went half a knicker.

541
00:39:16,170 --> 00:39:20,729
Lift your cup and bottoms up on Dobbin,
please, and thump her. There's Lady May

542
00:39:20,730 --> 00:39:25,630
on Dapple Grey. I see she's getting
plumper. But if you want to point to

543
00:39:25,730 --> 00:39:27,330
then try Fiona's jumper.

544
00:39:28,681 --> 00:39:30,249
Lady

545
00:39:30,250 --> 00:39:37,129
Daphne's terribly

546
00:39:37,130 --> 00:39:39,310
quaint. Title cheers, Lady Shane.

547
00:39:39,510 --> 00:39:42,630
Fixing her face with putty and paint
whenever we rise to harm.

548
00:39:43,560 --> 00:39:48,059
Lady Sarah Basil in pits, goddess in
pits, technical hits, ripping her

549
00:39:48,060 --> 00:39:50,170
doing his splits, wherever he writes
her.

550
00:39:50,600 --> 00:39:56,179
The ever so cautioned canterley with the
band on, scuppers are washed with Kerry

551
00:39:56,180 --> 00:39:58,060
and Mowish and on.

552
00:39:58,500 --> 00:40:02,999
Side by side on lager and lime, jogging
along, passing our prime, but game for a

553
00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:04,160
tumble in the old time.

554
00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:10,839
Side by side on bangers and mash, high
as a kite, low as a cat, show us a jump

555
00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:11,890
and we'll have a bash.

556
00:40:27,660 --> 00:40:29,680
Don't let them mess around.

557
00:40:30,140 --> 00:40:33,120
When they tighten up your skin.

558
00:40:33,560 --> 00:40:38,059
If they take a bull... the snack, you'll
find your nose around the back, and you

559
00:40:38,060 --> 00:40:40,940
end up sitting pretty on the pimple on
your chin.

560
00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:47,060
We're nice to dress for riding. We look
a proper top.

561
00:40:47,340 --> 00:40:50,160
I've got a hacking jacket. I've got a
hacking top.

562
00:40:50,380 --> 00:40:54,679
We've all the right equipment that's
suitable for sports. I've got my riding

563
00:40:54,680 --> 00:40:56,480
pretty. And I've got my jockey shorts.

564
00:40:59,420 --> 00:41:02,440
So long. I had a chestnut. He rode it
every day.

565
00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:05,360
It chucked him in the spinny. It tossed
him in the hay.

566
00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:08,400
It dumped him in the duck pond. It
downed him in the lane.

567
00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:11,440
It kicked him in the fetlocks. Now we
call him Lady Jane.

568
00:41:15,020 --> 00:41:18,699
Vanessa's got a saddle shop. Her
tackle's rather nice. She's got some

569
00:41:18,700 --> 00:41:20,480
habits with discount on the price.

570
00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:23,180
A rein is half a sovereign. A stirrup's
fifty.

571
00:41:23,660 --> 00:41:26,480
But ask her for a bridle and you'll get
a bit for free.

572
00:41:30,211 --> 00:41:36,839
New York's ready, oh, we're ready to go,
so toodle your hunting horn.

573
00:41:36,840 --> 00:41:40,270
You're out of luck, it's covered in muck
and the jolly old pea is gone.

574
00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:43,920
I fell off my horse today, me tootle hit
the grass.

575
00:41:44,240 --> 00:41:47,970
I upped and tripped and staggered and
slipped and fell on me hunting grass.

576
00:41:48,020 --> 00:41:51,180
I'm clean for the upper class.

577
00:41:52,040 --> 00:41:58,499
I'm clean for the upper class. So for
hunting we will go, for hunting we will

578
00:41:58,500 --> 00:42:00,380
go. You never say no to it.

579
00:42:21,200 --> 00:42:24,919
Well, that's all we seem to have time
for tonight, but before we go, a few

580
00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:26,300
of late news.

581
00:42:26,301 --> 00:42:30,599
Police are tonight searching for the
Fulham supporter who waited for Jimmy

582
00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:34,570
after Match of the Day and threatened to
knock the living highlights out of him.

583
00:42:36,680 --> 00:42:41,099
In Wembley today, a staggering, bleary
-eyed man was reported to be shouting

584
00:42:41,100 --> 00:42:44,260
obscenities at a bus conductor and
refusing to pay his fare.

585
00:42:44,540 --> 00:42:47,250
Police are holding 45 ,000 Scotsmen for
questioning.

586
00:42:47,251 --> 00:42:53,879
Tonight saw the opening in the West End
of Paul Raymond's new full -frontal

587
00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:55,200
Agatha Christie thriller.

588
00:42:57,240 --> 00:43:00,250
Birthnighters, when asked who did it,
replied, everybody.

589
00:43:04,100 --> 00:43:10,699
Finally, Harry Ackroyd, self -styled
taken kidney pudding king, was buried

590
00:43:10,700 --> 00:43:12,600
along with his secret recipe.

591
00:43:12,601 --> 00:43:16,779
Relatives said that if the ingredients
are ever revealed, he'll turn in his

592
00:43:16,780 --> 00:43:17,830
gravy.

593
00:43:19,340 --> 00:43:23,319
Next week, we'll be showing you a new
and reliable method for contacting the

594
00:43:23,320 --> 00:43:25,620
dead. Just dial 100 and wait.

595
00:43:36,540 --> 00:43:41,600
And we'll be talking to radio
personalities who've taken up self

596
00:43:42,170 --> 00:43:46,269
There'll be a disc jockey who is a green
belt in jiu -jitsu, a newsreader who's

597
00:43:46,270 --> 00:43:49,790
a black belt in judo, and an actor who's
a fifth dan in the archers.

598
00:43:52,510 --> 00:43:56,829
And we hope we'll be meeting Betty
Buxton, the Soho good -time girl who

599
00:43:56,830 --> 00:43:58,210
bought herself a speedboat.

600
00:43:58,690 --> 00:44:02,360
She'll be telling us what it's like to
sell yourself right down the river.

601
00:44:02,361 --> 00:44:07,039
Until then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

602
00:44:07,040 --> 00:44:11,590
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